January 14, 2005

To Whom it May Concern ...

At last ... the Sad Truth about the Pink Unmentionables - Revealed. It has become incumbant on me to unfortunately reveal the sad facts to you all. I do not arrive to this conclusion without much soul searching. In fact, I am vexxed to my very soul that it has come to this. The time has come my friends. The time for chicanary and denials has run out. All will be revealed in the nasty end, and that time is Now.

I submit to you now the evidence of my research. Exhibitted for you below is Undeniable Proof that "Madame Kat" is indeed the owner of at least ONE (1) pair of the afore-mentioned unmentionable item (pink).

Do YOU recognize THIS mustache???
(Exhibit A)

This MUSTACHE just so happens to be the property of one Mr. K. L. Dimmly, owner and Proprietor of "Unmentionables R Us - Where Nobody Knows How to Cover Your Behind Like We Do!"

Just Who is this WOMAN?
(Exhibit B)

Sure, she looks innocent as the pure driven snow, but she KNOWS exactly who she really is! She just so happens to be habitually SEEN with the owner of the afore-mentioned MYSTERY MUSTACHE, one Mr. Dimmly, owner and proprietor of Unmentionables R Us!

After Hours of ceaseless grilling (I treated the above pictured woman to a free lunch at Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner), this woman (who we shall hereafter refer to as "Madam X") divulged to me that Mr. Dibbly sold ONLY FOUR PAIRS of a certain pink item to only a select few individuals - four ladies to be precise.

And HERE is an actual picture of Bart (owner of Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner).
(Exhibit C)

While we ("Madam X" and myself) were at the diner (Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner), Bart (the owner of Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner) could not help but overhear our conversation (between "Madam X" and myself). "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation," Bart said.

"I often get shoppers from "Unmentionables R Us" in here" he added. "They (the shoppers) like to get my opinion on their new purchases as I am somewhat known as an unofficial expert in unmentionable itemery. What can I say? I have a face that they just naturally seem to trust," Bart shrugged.

Bart continues his tragic tale, "Of particular interest was the day a new pink selection became available. I was able to see through my diner's window, across the street to the store front (Unmentionables R Us). They were having a big sidewalk sale, and I could see these four women fighting each other, outside the store on the street. Brawlers they were! There was hitting and kicking and body slams. Oh, it was just awful..."

Bart wiped the sweat from his brow, obviously still disturbed by witnessing such dreadful behavior by these ladies.

"Five minutes later," Bart continues, "one of these lady shoppers showed up here, at my Grill (Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner). She was a tough one, the meanest one of the bunch, I could tell. She looked like she could be a cop if she wanted to be. Well, she grabs a barstool and pounds the counter, demanding a 'Dr. Pepper, straight up!'"

"I tries to be friendly with her, yanno... Establishing a good rapport with the customers and all that? So I says to her, 'I see you've been doing a little shopping there, have you?' She turns to me, looking straight through me with a cold stare, without saying a word."

"'Another Dr. Pepper!'this lady demands," Bart retells. "I was in complete shock, because she'd already downed the whole glass she had there, a WHOLE glass ... so a brought her a refill and a pitcher.

"'I can't afford the caffeine withdrawal - I might get mean...' she says to me."

"I've got a Revival to go to tonight" the lady shopper, who could have been a cop added.

So Bart asks, "Oh, are you religious?" I asks her."

The lady responds, "No, there's another revival of the Rocky Horror Picture Show playing tonight and I don't aim to miss it!"

Bart explains at that point he was perplexed, "At that point I was perplexed."

"With that, the lady (who could have been a cop) slammed down her glass, splashing drops of the fizzy liquid on my face. I was starting to get a bit scared. I changes the subject."

"So, lady, what brings a nice girl like you shopping on a fine day like this?" Bart gulped.

Suddenly, the almost-a-cop-lady turned thoughtful.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot to ask you..." the lady replies "One of the girls in the shop said I should ask you ... says you're somewhat known as an unofficial expert in unmentionable itemery. Also says you have a face that us ladies just naturally seem to trust."

Bart shrugged.

He continues, "Then the lady bent down for her bag, I didn't know whether I should duck or run and take cover," Bart's eyes grew distant as he relived the awful terror of that moment. "When suddenly, she pulled out these pink ... well ... pink bloomers. Mind you, they were NICE bloomers, though I think the patterned silk texture would have been better served if the ribbons were placed alternately with the floral pattern... I think a little white chenille too ... but I digress."

Bart's mouth drew a determined breath. "Anyhoos, this lady pulled out one of the newly purchased pink items, pulled these on over her black leather pants and started modeling them for me right there on the spot. Then she's asking me 'Do you think these (the pink bloomers) would be appropriate attire for Magenta or the Mad Doctor? It's always such a challenge dressing up for these revivals. Oh, I should just go as Riff-Raff again this year!'"

"With that she slammed down a tip on the counter ($1.00), splashing me with the fizzy refreshment once more in the face again. She turned and marched straight out the door onto the street, bloomers and all."

And that my good friends, is the tragically awful tale that Bart (Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner) had to tell me.

And Finally --
This is what the in-store monitoring system (at Bart's All-Night Grill & Diner) caught on tape...

The PINK Unmentionables, Revealed!
(Exhibit C)

Would you say that the foot seen in this actual video footage is that of a woman? And if so... would you say that it is a right foot of a two-footed woman (as in the number of feet, not as a measurement of height)?

Assuming that both of these observations are correct, than one can only come to the ultimate conclusion that this woman's right foot is a perfect size 7 1/2. Indeed!

And that my good friends happens to match the exact description of Madame Kat's very own RIGHT FOOT - who ALSO just so happens to be both a WOMAN and owner of TWO FEET (as in the number of feet, not as a measurement of height).

* * * * *

In closing, I would like to mention that three good men gave up their lives to get me this information ... three very good men and a hamster. They will all be missed (especially Curly).

Thank you and Good Night,

Shadw a.k.a ShadwWithoutTheO